Every week you entertainers go to a new venue looking forward to performing for your audience. Without doubt there is always someone, be it from the audience or the venue owner that will say something to you that you really don't appreciate. Either that or a comment that is expected as you have heard it time and time before!
1) HAVE YOU THOUGHT OF AUDITIONING FOR THE X-FACTOR?
You give them the same response, That show is all rubbish and all rigged anyway. You explain that you wouldn't put yourself through that to be humiliated. Besides you are a good Singer or Group who has worked hard to get where you are . You are happy just to make people smile with the talent you know you have. Bottom line you are better than anyone on the X Factor anyway, so why would you need to go on that show in the first place? An awful show where they know who the winner is, before the first audition has even been done!
2) WHAT ARE YOU SINGING IN YOUR NEXT SET?
Takes one of the braver punters to ask you this one! This statement kind of indicates that they want something specific. Although you have done a good job and already had loads of people dancing, this is a normally a coded statement from a specific table. What they really want to say is "We don't like what you have done so far and we are not sure if we should stay or not?
3) CAN MY FRIEND DO A SONG WITH YOU?
As we have mentioned in previous blogs, there is always someone who has a family member or friend with them who they feel should be up with you. Sometimes the so say singer, will even ask you directly. Just because they love karaoke or have watched their family member win a few holiday park competitions, they feel theyshould be in your band or part of your new duo! These are the people you see just giving you filthy looks all night because they just know, you are rubbish and their picture should be on the wall in the lobby! Besides you have already pissed them off by saying no!
4) YOU SOUND JUST LIKE THAT..........?
As much as you are polite and say "Thank you" this really is an annoying statement. You don't sound like anybody and you sound like you. If you did really sound like the person they tell you, you would have your trubute act well established by now! Why is it always the same celebrities too, Neil Diamond, Dolly Parton, Shania Twain or Mariah Carey if you are lucky! You have worked for years to develop you own voice and the fact they have been closing their eyes and imagining you were someone else all night, some how is a bit of a downer. On the other hand, if you were a tribute act, you would be pretty pissed off if someone didn't tell you that you sounded just like that person!
5) HAVE YOU GOT A PROPER DAY JOB?
As much as you want to lie and say "No I do this full time" , a majority of the time the fact is you do actually have a day job. It's just you have had a great night and really enjoyed what you can do, and you have felt like an absolute star for a few hours. This question suddenly brings you back down to earth and reminds you that you do have to go back to your crap job on Monday, a world away from the entertainment life you prefer. For those of you who do entertain full time, a big well done to you and I bet the thrill you get from telling them "Actually this is my job" must be emense !
6) SORRY IT'S QUIET IN HERE, IT'S THE TIME OF THE YEAR!
You normally hear this from the club owner as you carry your speaker in! Then why book you in first the place? If these venue owners know it will be quiet, (because of the time of year) why do they insist on having entertainment on the day you are there? Are they expecting a Saga tour bus to suddenly roll up? Even more so when they have gone for a Sunday and only ten people have bothered to come in. As much as you can make these evenings very personal, almost lounge style; it can still be disheartening. But you say to the owner "Don't worry it's quality not quantity" you carry on like a pro for the people who have bothered coming out and enjoy what sometimes feels like a paid rehearsal. These quiet gigs can also be a good chance to try new material.
7) CAN YOU TURN THE VOLUME DOWN.
This statement has been fired at entertainers since the dawn of time. There isn't much more to say on this one other than what you have always wanted to say to these people over the mic. "DON'T sit under the bloody speakers then" But instead you smile sweetly and say of course, hardly turn the mixing desk down at all and then they seem to be happy. You know you will sneak the volume back up later. These people are the ones that normally leave at 10:30pm to get settled anyway! .
8) SOMEONE WILL SHOUT OUT A SONG YOUR OBVIOUSLY NOT GOING TO DO!
Yes the comedian in the room who trys to make his friends laugh, sorry guys it is normally a man. You have just finished a set of songs that everybody has enjoyed, you are talking on the mic about your next song and there it is. The drunk idiot in the room shout "Do you do any Shawaddywaddy? No offence to Shawaddywaddy, but you obviously dont do that, what with the fact you are a female singer and Shawaddywaddy were a whole group! Instead you fire back. "No that singer is here in a few weeks, and I don't do that"
9) I RUN THE CLUB DOWN THE ROAD, DO YOU HAVE A CARD?
You are clearing up at the end and then someone comes over to you, normally an older gentleman or is no taller than 5ft6. They tell you that they have really enjoyed you and they run the club down the road. In fact, they so say used to run a string of clubs across the UK and they also gigged back in the day. Then they ask you the question. Have you got a card? As much as bands may carry cards, or male singers in their wallets; most elegant female singers don't tend to have any to hand. Female rule, all your stuff has now been rammed back in your case now ready to leave and you can't be bothered to go through it. You don't have a card anyway and the chances of you having a supply of cards stuffed in your bra is very remote! Besides, if you are an act who respects the industry you tell them sorry and to go through the agent to contact you...........................or have you ever sinned on this one?
10) DONT WORRY, THERE IS ONE LOT ON ONE TABLE WHO ARE ALWAYS MISERABLE, THEY COME EVERY WEEK.
Again this a pre warning you hear from the club owner. So why do they come every week, why are these people even here then? In fact why are they aloud in? A few reasons. They spend money and always buy at least 12 lines of bingo or and raffle tickets. They also have to sit through you as tickets are sold whilst you are doing you first set. You are an inconvenience and they need to get to the interval, do the bingo and then go. These miserable lot also have a specific table set aside every week, and somone else will sit there at their own peril! . But you don't turn against these people and instead you see them as your challenge, You will make those miserable buggers smile and like you. When you get them up dancing with your talent, the feeling of joy you get is massive! Ok they aren't smiling when the are dancing, but dancing all the same. Now you can tell the club owner, "told you so as I am that damm good!" You do your last song and say good night, and the miserable lot are still here....job done!
11) THEY LIKE TO HAVE A DANCE IN HERE MIND.
The opposite of the miserable people and a great thing you can be told on arrival. These are the people who have started looking forward to Saturday night, ever since they staggered out of the club in the early hours of last Sunday! You get what we mean. They arrive as you are carrying your kit in drssed in, Tight leggings, Leopard print clothes, and those sequin sparkly tops your mum used to wear! This normallly leads you to check through your set and maybe drop out any slow ones that may disrupt the dancing. Quick what can you put in its place? This is also one of the best comments you can get when you arrive at a gig, as you know everyone has come to have a good time. You have just the show to help them stagger home once more.
12) YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE YOU DO ON YOUR PICTURE .
What on earth is this supposed to mean? But it is the club owner who has said this to you so you just laugh and say "I know but it is me!" Of course you don't look the same anymore, that was the photo you sent to the agent 5 or 6 years ago........maybe more ! You have sent your agent new photos since haven't you???? It's not your fault they still insist on using your best photo, that you all look fabulous in!
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